Why Can't Men Talk To Their Wives About Their Sexual Kinks?

There’s a saying – or there should be one – that every time a fashion designer throws a party to celebrate anything or everything, the fashion gods shed a tear or more. Not in joy but purely in agony for the who’s who of the city turn up in their (un)fashionable best for such soirees, sauntering about for the world to see. You’re lucky if you aren’t present there but I had no such luck – I had to see it up, close and personal when a much talked-about designer threw a party to celebrate the opening of his new store in the city’s go-to luxury retail residence. It’s always amusing when someone who’s not had an innovative design in years tries to make it for it with overzealous shows and/or stores because nothing else says ‘I’m making the same clothes over & over again’ than a night of inebriated revelry, heated or otherwise. This was one such evening & since I didn’t have much choice, I was there, champagne in hand, desperate to go home.

But this isn’t about the designer or even his bash. It’s about a certain conversation I had with someone while I were there.

As it usually happens, alcohol got him talking. It always does. Especially when you’ve got enough on your mind. “I’m afraid she’ll catch me soon!” Umm... context, anyone? But then, Vaibhav always worked better without it. “If I don’t stop soon enough, that is. But I’m starting to think that’s not possible!” Talk about admitting your guilt before you’ve been accused of a crime.

Here’s what was troubling him: when it comes to the bedroom, he’s a lot more experimental than his wife and instead of talking to her about it, he’s been spending his time in an online sex club. Vaibhav isn’t the only one though. I know such men aplenty. As do you. Or maybe you’re one of them? Hey, don’t be shy. This is a judgement-free zone.

When I asked Vaibhav why he hadn’t spoken to his wife, his response was more bland than blasphemous. “I’m sure she’ll think I’m a creep!” Is he into golden showers, I wondered but chose not to prod further – the less we know about some people, the better it is.

“It’s not about the woman being a prude but about men being exactly that!” Reema is one of my favourite people in the world for she always says it as it is, or as she’s thinking it. “They have a stereotypical, archaic notion about their wives – she's supposed to be pure so how can she be into their kinks? They’re scared of bursting their own bubble so refrain from coming clean altogether” I can’t say I were surprised but I certainly agreed with the point she was making.

I took the conversation to Sahil. He’s been happily married to Ragini for more than a decade and two kids in tow haven’t really dimmed the sexy spark in their relationship. How do they do it? (pun not intended!) “I don’t look her any differently now that she’s wife – I never did – and that’s the secret perhaps?” But would he be comfortable talking to her about his kinks? “Not that Ragini would judge me but honestly, I don’t think so. Only because I’m not sure how I’d feel about it”.

When I asked Ragini about it, she was much more forthcoming. “After marriage, that man-woman dynamic changes quite a bit. It’s not as passion-driven as it’s practicality-led. Maybe that’s why some men switch off from a certain part of their lives?” Something to think about, sure, but would she encourage her partner to, well, open up? “Absolutely, I would!” I obviously didn’t tell her her husband’s side of the story.

Men, marriage and morality is a particularly potent combination of all things problematic and preposterous. The not-so-fairer sex is conditioned to look at their spouse as everything but sexual. She’s not a fantasy so long as she’s their wife.

Girlfriends can be saucy & sexy but wives have got to be everything but. Which is a pity since most women end up feeling unsatisfied in their marriages while most men are found looking elsewhere. If only they sat down and talked it out – maybe the twain shall meet?

I’d say talk about it tonight. Make it part of your foreplay. Wait, do Indian men even believe in indulging in foreplay? That’s a conversation for another time.