Going on a first date has never been more daunting. Let's say you're lucky enough to find someone who actually agrees to go out with you. The date only happens after seven cancellations, several rain checks, and a very intensive scheduling exercise. Then comes the debate: just drinks, or are you both emotionally stable enough to commit to dinner with a complete stranger?
Finally, you have a first date! You're on your way. You don't know what to expect, but here you are putting yourself out there.
That's when it happens.
The mental checklist every woman starts unconsciously putting together within minutes of meeting you. She might be smiling at you across the table, but she's already noticed the shoes you're wearing, your body language, your outfit, whether you were late or painfully early, how warmly you greeted her and whether the hug felt natural or like a corporate handshake. If you got there first and picked the table, congratulations-that's being assessed too. And yes, she's also quietly judging whether you picked a place she'd enjoy or just somewhere that looked good on Instagram.
Your work, where you live, what you do, even your star sign might make an appearance later. But the first ten minutes are a much faster, more primal assessment. They're less about compatibility and more about one simple question: Do I want to spend the next two hours with this person, or am I going to have to fake an early morning tomorrow?
The internet has lovingly named this phenomenon "the ick". It's funny because the ick is rarely one big dramatic moment. More often, it's something you've done unknowingly and a millisecond she has caught the ick. Something completely insignificant to you can suddenly become the reason there isn't a second date.
So, here's what not to do in those crucial first ten minutes.
When she asks what to do, don't answer like you're interviewing for a position at the big four.
Conversation is supposed to meander, not sound like your LinkedIn profile being read aloud. If she's responding with "nice" and other one-word variations of "nice", that's usually your cue to stop talking and start asking questions.
Which brings us to the next point: don't only talk about yourself. Ask questions. Better yet, ask follow-up questions. She doesn't need a 20-minute monologue about your roommate, your fantasy football league or what the boys got up to last Saturday. A conversation works best when both people get to feature in it.
Next; don't spend the first ten minutes talking about another date that didn't work out because "there was something wrong with the girl". Nothing raises a red flag faster than someone who seems determined to convince you they're always the victim of bad dating luck. Let your exes and your failed Hinge dates sit this one out.
Moving forward, your casual flex isn't nearly as casual as you think it is. Flexing your watch, your shoes, casually dropping how rich you are, or how your loro Pianas loafers are custom made, telling her about skiing in Courchevel last fall or bumping into Brad Pitt at the Wimbledon final... nobody has ever fallen in love because someone mentioned business class one too many times. Showing off is exhausting.
"So, you're one of those girls..."Women love banter. They love someone funny. They love someone they can laugh with. But social media convinced people that roasting someone is the same thing as flirting. While that is debatable. Banter has a very fine line, especially on a first date. Mild insults disguised as jokes aren't charming when you've known each other for ten minutes. Even if you've been chatting for weeks on end. Don't start insulting your date.
And finally, possibly the biggest one of them all: how you treat the people around you.
How you speak to the waiter. Whether you say "please" and "thank you". Whether you're patient, polite and respectful or dismissive, and entitled. It's amazing how much someone can reveal about themselves in the way they treat people who aren't trying to impress them. For a lot of women, that's the quickest way to pass or fail the audit.
If you do make it past the first date, congratulations. Chances are your audit and the even more detailed audit review with her friends, sister, or roommate went well. Maybe you were charming enough that she overlooked a couple of tiny icks. Maybe your shoes really weren't that bad.