Married Yet Looking For Attention: Why Are Modern Men Doing It?

When the phone rang, it caught me by surprise.

He rarely calls. Barely texts. We mostly chat on DMs. I’m always teasing him how he’s too old for it. We do have a significant age gap. He can’t help himself though. Always ends up reaching out. Late at night, usually. When the world is sleeping.

I’m awake, though.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime?” I ask.

“I’m up!” he says.

Of course, he is!

When I first met Vikas, he was a married man. Old-er. Wealthy. Powerful. You know the type.

“I’m not looking for an affair!” It felt like an announcement. Busting the myth.

“I know what people think” There had been conjecture. You can’t fault people for thinking the obvious. We were sharing a cab. He had had one too many drinks. You know how it always gets a man talking. He said he craved some attention. Someone who could look at him with interest. Want. Desire.

He was feeling emotional. I wondered why he was telling me. He was my editor. I didn’t think it was appropriate.

“My marriage is not the same anymore”. Eyes almost moist. Lips quivering. I felt he’d hold my hand. He didn’t. I was relieved. You don’t want your boss to cross a line.

He said he loved his wife. Was she cheating on him? I’d met her a few times. She didn’t come across as someone who were having an affair. But can one ever know?

“She’s never waiting for me. Goes to sleep sharp at 10”. He wanted her to wait for him? “I want to feel like I can still make her feel something, you know?” Umm... I didn’t know.

“We’ve been married for a while. We’ve lost passion. Even when we have sex, it’s an act. I don’t know if she wants me like that. I want to feel like I’m wanted!” I’d heard of him going on dates. People were convinced he was having an affair. “I don’t want sex. I don’t want another woman. I want my wife. I want her to want me too!” Oh, the agony of a man who hasn’t felt desired for a decade.

That night when he called, his wife had found out.

She read a text. He had slid into someone’s DMs. She showed interest. He had asked her out. His wife read the messages.

Did he confess the whole thing? Did he tell her how he’d been feeling, I asked. There was silence for a few seconds. I knew he hadn’t dared. She was livid. He kept making excuses. She’s asked him for a divorce.

When I shared this story with Ajeet, he looked quite perplexed. “I get it!” Another man feeling emotionally neglected? Ajeet had the perfect scenario going for him. “It always looks great from the outside” It isn’t great? “It’s fine. We love each other. I just want some attention” Isn’t the point of monogamy to seek everything from one person? “But what if that one person has stopped giving it to you?”

Attention is a funny thing. You can’t ever have enough. Not if you’re a man. Why should women be laid at the altar!

I brought this up with a former colleague. Rohit’s first wife left him after she caught him with another woman.

“That marriage was doomed from the beginning” Men, I tell you!

“She never had time for me” So he looked for it elsewhere? “I was just being flirtatious”

Casual flirting – the armour of the incorrigible. “We were at a party. I was drunk. It was an impulse!” What if she had done the same? “There was no need. I was always only interested in her” I knew where this was headed. “Had she shown me some interest, I wouldn’t have bothered flirting with someone random at a party”.

I had to ask a woman. Heterosexual men and their victim complex are a combination for the ages.

Rukmini has always been my go-to. “It’s fair to expect your partner’s attention in a marriage but who’s giving it?” We were lounging around in her home. I almost spilled my coffee.

“I’m with straight men on this one. It’s normal to lose interest in your partner over time” So, we’re cool with cheating now? “Mild flirtation isn’t the same as infidelity” I wanted that on a t-shirt. “As long as he doesn’t cross the line, I don’t see a problem” I didn’t care to ask her about her husband. No point asking the obvious.

Not all men though.

Puneet outrightly rejected this notion. I knew him through Vikas. I’d always wondered why the two were friends. So different from each other. Nothing in common. “I love my wife dearly. No attention needed from anyone whatsoever!” Someone should’ve gotten him a placard. “Any man saying anything else is just looking for an excuse”.

My mind went back to Vikas. I was feeling bad for him. Then I met his wife. She walked in looking angry and sullen. Hadn’t slept well. Eyes unsure. She didn’t have answers. Marriages can’t be perfect. Neither are human beings. Would she understand his point? It had been a few days.

“It’s always a choice. He made it” She was done.

I met her last weekend. Bumped into her, rather. She was out for a date with Puneet. Attention is a funny thing, after all.