What Is Monkey Barring And Why It Is Toxic For Your Relationship?
The dating habit that looks seamless on the outside but can wreak havoc behind the scenes
There’s always that one person who never seems to be single. Not “I date a lot” single, but genuinely, suspiciously never between relationships. One week they’re posting moody breakup quotes, and the next they’re soft-launching someone new. You do the mental math and realise something isn’t adding up. That’s because it probably isn’t. They are what many call monkey-barring.
Monkey-barring, sometimes called monkey-branching, is when someone doesn’t fully end one relationship before starting another. Picture swinging across playground monkey bars: you don’t let go of one bar until your hand has a tight grip on the next. In dating terms, that means staying emotionally, romantically, or even secretly involved with someone new while still technically committed to someone else.
The thing about monkey-barring is that it almost never looks as messy as it is. From the outside, it can appear seamless, even impressive. A clean breakup followed by a shiny new relationship? Efficient. Emotionally evolved, even. But behind the scenes, there’s usually overlap. Late-night texting, “just a friend” energy, or an emotional connection that quietly grew while the old relationship was still on life support.
If this sounds a lot like cheating, that’s because for many people, it is.
Even if nothing physical happened, monkey-barring thrives on secrecy. One partner thinks they’re in a committed relationship, while the other is already mentally packing their bags and browsing replacements. It’s a lot less like "falling out of love" and more like "window shopping while still wearing the old outfit."
So why do people do it? Most of the time, it comes down to fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of silence. Fear of having no one to text when something mildly inconvenient happens. For people who tie their sense of stability or self-worth to being partnered, the idea of a clean break can feel terrifying. A new person becomes an emotional safety net. Something to grab onto before letting go, maybe?
Monkey-barring can also be an avoidance tactic. Breaking up requires honesty, emotional maturity, and uncomfortable conversations, all of which are much harder than slowly detaching while someone else fills the gap. Why face a painful ending when you can just… slide into a new beginning?
The problem, of course, is that this behavior is deeply unfair. The partner being left behind is denied the truth. They continue investing time, energy, and emotion into a relationship that has already ended in the other person’s mind. Meanwhile, the new partner often has no idea they’ve entered the story mid-chapter, unknowingly cast as the backup plan rather than the fresh start.
Even the monkey-barrer doesn’t walk away unscathed. Jumping from relationship to relationship without pause leaves no room for reflection, growth, or accountability. Patterns don’t get broken; they get rehearsed. And eventually, the same issues show up again, just with a different face across the table.
What makes monkey-barring especially tricky is that we live in a culture that treats being single like a problem to solve. We’re told—subtly and not-so-subtly—that coupling up is the goal, and being alone is something to fear or fix. In that environment, it’s easy to convince yourself that lining up the next relationship is practical, even smart. Why risk loneliness when you can guarantee company? But healthy relationships don’t come from fear-based transitions. They come from endings that are honest, even when they hurt, and from the uncomfortable space in between where you learn who you are without someone else holding your emotional hand.
If you recognise monkey-barring in your own dating history, that awareness matters. It’s a sign to pause instead of pivot. To sit with being single long enough to remember that you’re okay on your own. To end things clearly when they’re over, rather than quietly outsourcing your emotional needs to someone new.
Letting go without a backup plan can feel like free-falling, but it’s also how you land on solid ground. And once you know how to stand there by yourself, you’re far less likely to grab onto the next relationship out of fear and far more likely to choose it for the right reasons.