Men, Marriage And Bisexuality

He walks into the room as he always does. Messy hair. Stride reckless. Shirt barely buttoned. With an air of insouciance. I know he’s been up to no good. He wouldn’t have you think otherwise anyway. It was an evening quite like every other. He came over wanting to talk. When has any conversation with him been just that? Ulterior motives are always around.

“I’ve got to end it. My wife found out!”

The aforementioned ‘it’ was infidelity on his part, of course. Why can’t some men ever keep it in their pants?

“It’s not infidelity – I wasn’t cheating on her”. He was saying it as if no men had ever said it before. You know that intention isn’t exactly proportional to infidelity, I responded. “It’s not that I was hooking up with another woman”. As if that’s supposed to make his wife feel any better!

Bisexuality isn’t real, at least not real enough, they say. It’s convenience masquerading as choice. Though choice isn’t entirely the case here. Aren’t you supposed to not choice your orientation? You can’t help it. It’s who you are. As are bisexuals. They can’t help but be attracted to both genders. What’s it like, though? I’ve often wondered. I’m not the only one. “It’s the most common question you’re asked as a bisexual” he’d often lament. “And there’s no right answer – everyone already has a version, and you’re meant to corroborate it!”

He started seeing men a few months after this marriage. He loved his wife, yes, but a woman alone couldn’t have ever sufficed. I know what you’re thinking. He shouldn’t have gotten married. “I didn’t want to, but my parents wouldn’t let me stay single” he’d told me on the day of his wedding. I’d suggested keeping his affairs discreet but when has discreet ever been discreet enough?

Marriage hasn’t evolved much as an institution. From the time of our parents to the couple getting married this weekend, it’s mostly stayed the same. As has been our society’s insistence for young men and women to enter matrimony, holy or otherwise. “What could I have done? Being open and honest wouldn’t help me. Which wife would be okay with her husband sleeping with other men?” Well... he had a point.

I decided to chat about this with Rishabh. His divorce was quite a messy affair, not because his wife found out about his steady boyfriend but because he came out to her. “I wish I had done it before we got married – I didn’t have to ruin her life, and my own in the bargain”. Is that what he’d advise other bisexual men? “Yes, do it, no matter how hard it gets!”

Hold on – why can’t bisexual men just stay married and faithful to their wives? Isn’t that what you were wondering?

“What do you think I’ve been doing?” When Sameer asked me this, I knew it was rhetorical. He’s one of the most loyal men I know, devoted to a fault. “He’s right. I’ve never have to worry about anything!” Shaina wasn’t just saying it; I've known her to be secure and sure about her husband. “You’re bisexual because you’re attracted to both genders but you’ve still got to choose when and how to act upon that attraction, right? I choose to be with my wife and it’s not a difficult choice to make,” Sameer added.

Essentially, marriage has the same rules. Heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. You choose one person and stick to that choice. A fleeting attraction shouldn’t shake up your situation. Bisexuality isn’t another word for infidelity. Some of them are happy in their marriages, believe you me. And some others are like Rishabh. Out and about, and openly so.

You can choose to be either. Just don’t be him. That nameless ‘friend’ I started this piece with. He’s now dating a married man, another bisexual who can’t think straight. Some men just never change!