The Gentlemen’s Guide to Getting Caught

Across the world, a healthy percentage of people in relationships are said to cheat. In the Indian context, this number fluctuates between half to a wee more than half of all people surveyed (55% some say, seven out of 10, aver others). But clearly, not enough of you are getting caught—even if you are, it’s nothing spectacular. Try uttering the word ‘infidelity’. Don’t you feel like immediately luxuriating in its subversive sexiness? A sh*tsplosion that deserves a stage. So, like Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and his Head of HR, Kristin Cabot, showed at the Coldplay concert recently—if it’s not on Instagram, it didn’t happen.

The thing about exposés that most forget is just how much power the humble self-sabotage packs. How do you do trip yourself up? You could save the wife’s name and the side piece’s name as versions of the same affectionate moniker. Be sure to park your car in the other woman’s building parking lot.

Dropping your decency when you get into a side scene isn’t enough if you aren’t dropping enough clues. Holidaying in the Antipodes on the pretext of a company retreat? You cannot send a selfie back and not have your side piece’s heat styler showing up near the dressing mirror. At first, you can practice the subtle art of leaving evidence with their bare legs showing up on your sunglasses. If the wife zooms in, she zooms in.

And then, the other way is to go ballistic with detail. Cooking up a story isn’t enough if you aren’t supplying enough characters and plotlines. You want multiple versions for your elaborate web of fiction—a universe fit for the Avengers of lies and deceit. You want proof from where you have no alibi. Your joint credit card bill must say movie tickets and ice cream on the date that you were supposed to go on a camping trip with your padel pal Nikhil.

But before you do leave for the Antipodes, you need to administer a four-week, if not more, course of good old love-bombing. Compliments, hugs, little pecks and flirting—and everything else that you’re not known for doing. Swoop in like a kamikaze pilot when your partner is having an anxiety episode after a tiring day of work. Since she knows you’re not into emotional availability, the sudden U-turn will up her guard instead of lowering it. And throw in a batch of chocolates and flowers while you’re at it. The stage is set for a grand sh*tstorm.

Finally, the key to getting your a*se handed to you is to embark on a series of outdoors escapades with your side piece. You cannot be laying low, no. Be seen everywhere, including concerts (but make sure it’s Coldplay, not Oasis). Too many people, when they get featured on the jumbotron with their paramours, are so lost in themselves that they don’t react much. Look alive out there. The moment your forms wrapped up in a Titanic-like embrace, appear on the big screen and overreact, for god’s sake. Duck for cover and then hope it goes viral.

To read more stories from Esquire India's August 2025 issue, pick up a copy of the magazine from your nearest newspaper stand or bookstore. Or click here to subscribe to the magazine.