The Only Thing Worse Than Cheating? Cheating at Coldplay

There are many places to conduct an extramarital affair — discreet restaurants, unremarkable hotel bars, maybe a midweek business conference with name tags and plausible deniability. A Coldplay concert, however, is not one of them.

Yet that’s precisely where Astronomer CEO Andy Byron found himself: on the jumbotron at Coldplay’s Boston show, mid-embrace with Kristin Cabot — his company’s head of HR. The kiss cam, ever indiscriminate in its search for sentimental content, landed on them like a hawk. The hug turned stiff. Faces were half-covered. Phones came out. And within hours, the internet had already sketched the backstory, drawn the moral conclusion, and drafted the apology for him.

You couldn’t script it better if you tried.

An apology did go viral, in fact — a florid, Coldplay-lyric-laced note of contrition in which Byron appeared to throw himself at the mercy of his wife, his board, and the general public. It was, however, fake. A parody. Invented by an impersonator account that was later suspended. Byron, to date, has issued no public comment. And who could blame him? What’s left to say once you’ve been reduced to a meme at a Coldplay concert?

Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot at ColdplayYouTube

Still, for the sake of public education — or at least future scandal prevention — here’s a brief, dispassionate guide on what not to do if you’re going to cheat. Especially in a venue with a jumbotron.

Don’t. Go. To. Coldplay.

There are 80,000 people in the stadium. There are cameras. There is Chris Martin, for god’s sake. If you’re stepping out, maybe don’t do it at an arena filled with iPhones, a jumbotron, and the one band that inspires people to film their entire breakup in slow motion.

In fact, just stop going out if you’re this dumb.

Kiss Cam Rule No. 1: If You See It, Duck

The jumbotron is not your friend. If you see a camera pointing your way, do what any self-respecting celebrity does: pretend it’s not there. Hide behind a bucket hat. Pretend you’re checking your shoe. Swivel and fake interest in the overpriced nachos behind you. Just don’t go full arm-around-the-HR-lady while “Yellow” plays.

Don’t Date Your Head of HR

I don’t need to spell this one out. But we will anyway. If there’s one person in the company who knows exactly what kind of dirt you’ve left in your Slack messages, your reimbursement receipts, and your PTO schedule — it’s HR. That’s not a lover. That’s a liability.

If You Must Be a Cliché, At Least Be Subtle

There’s cheating, and then there’s concert-cheating. Public display of affection in a sea of Bluetooth-enabled teenagers is rookie behaviour. Think dimly-lit hotel bars. Airport lounges. The back row at a random film festival in Prague. Not Coldplay. Not Boston. Not Live Nation-sponsored heartbreak.

Pre-Write Your Apology — and Make Sure It’s Actually From You

If you’re going to get caught, you’ll need a Notes app screenshot ready within the hour. And please — please — don’t let a parody account beat you to it. Having your fake apology go viral before your real one drops is the digital equivalent of slipping on a banana peel while your wife scrolls Twitter.

Look — I’m not saying you should cheat. We’re saying if you’re going to implode your life at a Coldplay concert, maybe don’t do it while being lovingly lit by the same LED panel that showed Beyoncé 20 minutes ago.

Somewhere out there, Chris Martin is probably still singing, “I will try to fix you.”

Andy, you’re going to need more than that.

(This article is satirical. Don’t cheat. Or at least don’t do it at a concert with a kiss cam. Honestly, just don’t cheat.)