Embracing Fatherhood At 56

All my life — and as far as I can remember — I always wanted to have children. I believed that children were a testament to the fact that God was still not dissatisfied with man. But more importantly, I believed that children were an important part of societal units and they were an important part of creating, nurturing, developing and harmonising a family. They completed and they continue to complete a family. There are many who don’t have children out of choice, out of compulsion, out of their inability, perhaps, to have them—and to each their own.

But on my part, I have always loved children. And I loved being with children, I loved listening to children, I loved speaking with children. I recorded audiobooks, I would play pranks with kids. And, sometimes, it was very important for me to do that because their innocence and their responses were both unfiltered and transparent. They created a world view that was very unique and very non-agenda driven.

Lakshmi Menon and I got married in 2018. And I’m delighted with the fact that when Lakshmi and I were dating, which was from about 2015, we both agreed that if we ever got married and if we ever had a family, that family would only be complete with a child. So, it was very clear from the outset that what we wanted was a child. We wanted to complete our family. And the completion of the family was not about legacy or about inheritance or leaving behind memories through a child. It was more about being able to contribute by bringing the child into the world and making him or her grow up, giving him or her those opportunities, both of mind and body.

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And on November 26, 2019, when our Gayatri was born, it was a watershed moment in my life. It changed everything about me. I was 56. That's not a very young age. But now, in hindsight, I think it’s the perfect age to have a child. Because you're not competing for job assignments or for corporate success or for social success. You have all the time in the world to spend with your child. You can see your child growing up with a greater sense of maturity, with a world view that has been tempered by all the experiences you’ve had.

And, so, with Gayatri’s birth, it was almost as if life had turned full circle for me. I had experienced not just the joys, but even the sheer delight of having a member in my family who was entirely our own.

But again, both Lakshmi and I decided at that point in time, that Gayatri would be her own person. She wouldn’t be Lakshmi’s. She wouldn’t be mine. She would be her own person. And all we have strived to do since the day she was born, is to give her opportunities that will help her make the choices she ultimately makes. We are blessed that we have a child who has a sense of compassion. We are blessed that we have a child who loves the outdoors, who loves taking care of animals, who’s a very decent human being. And equally sharp and stubborn.

And the latter two attributes have given me the greatest joy. Because I see a lot of me in her. More of the stubbornness than the sharpness. I’m not as sharp as she is, and I never will be. But what I do see in her is a great combination of Lakshmi’s intrinsic value architecture, Lakshmi’s willingness to never judge, and Lakshmi’s desire to take life as it goes without any showing off—without any accoutrements of either money or stature or wealth. And that, to my mind, has defined Gayatri in more ways than one.

Parenthood is not easy. And if anyone tells you it is, then they're either lying or they’ve outsourced it. And most people have. We have never travelled with Gayatri where there’s been a nanny tagging along and she’s been all over with us, both in India and abroad. I remember, last year, when we all went to London, Lakshmi had to go to New York for a shoot. And I was with Gayatri alone for four days in London. And Lakshmi kept asking me, ‘Will you manage? Will you be able to be patient with her? These are the things that you have to make sure she does’. And I have to tell you, it was an overwhelming sense of responsibility and a call to duty like I’d never experienced before. It was almost as if I was ticking all the boxes against my own ability when I would put Gayatri to bed. The walks that she and I had, the London Eye that she and I experienced, the food that she and I shared, they were memorable, cherishable—experiences that have been etched in my mind.

That’s what parenting is about, ultimately. It’s about creating and carving experiences that will survive both time and place, that will help you reimagine life with another person. The second thing that parenting teaches you is infinite patience. Because the one thing you need to do with children, as most parents will tell you, is you cannot behave like a child with a child. So, all those mothers and fathers who do the coochie-cooing with their children and try to become like little kids, are actually insulting the intelligence of the child.

If God wanted parents to behave like children when their children were growing up, then there’d be a different body architecture. And that's not the case. So, what I experienced with Gayatri was that she needed an adult exchange. She needed an interaction that was adult in nature between Lakshmi, me and her— but, at the same time, was respectful of her needs. And that’s how it has been since the day she was born.

What I am seeing in Gayatri is a child that is growing up unfettered, a child that is growing unhindered, a child on whom no religious dictum, no societal dictum and no sense of belonging is being forced upon. She, in every way, is and hopefully will remain her own person. The choices she makes will be her choices. We have never made a choice for her, whether it be for her food or for her clothing. Yes, what we have told her are the pros and cons. We’ve told her the pros and cons of having spicy food, for instance. And that has been her decision, because we want her to be responsible for the decisions she takes.

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The problem with parenting, and I’m seeing this as a live example, is that a lot of parents want to take decisions on behalf of their children, because they want their children to grow up like their clones. And that is the worst service you can do to your child. What is more important is that parenting, in many ways, has been outsourced, be it in terms of knowledge acquisition or sharing anecdotal stuff.

There’s a rule in our house—and this is a rule that has been enforced upon us by Gayatri—that before she goes to bed every evening, one of us has to read at least three books to her. And that kind of dramatically changed late last year, when she just wanted us there, but she would do the reading. And I remember telling Lakshmi that I’m so proud of my child, who has this hunger for reading, who has this desire to absorb knowledge after having had a full day at school and playing on the estate—and is yet committed to scholarship.

And that’s the kind of child we always hoped we should have. But it’s not something that has been forced upon her. It’s something that has arisen from her, which she genuinely believes that that's the person she wants to be.

In many ways, we are the parents we are because Gayatri has made us so. It is to her credit and not ours that she is who she is. We are mere enablers. And that’s the essence of parenting.