Please Stop Taking Dating Advice from Claude

Unreliable, a little unhinged, and at the end of the day, a computer. Not exactly who you want to referee a love situation. But modern problems need modern solutions: situationships, rosters, dating multiple people, dating multiple genders, more, and now, an online love doctor. 

Not too long ago, I matched with the guy of my dreams, then with his best friend a few weeks later, and somehow ended up liking both. That's just one entry from the pits of the many stories that have come from being on a member-exclusive dating app. Other anecdotes include a professional squash player, a couple of cricketers, some DJs who were very useful for sorting entry into places like 5 Hertford Street, and a few ridiculously good-looking but cocky B-grade actors who were twice as sensitive about their vanity as I would ever be. 

But if "imagine them in a room together" to access what you lack in commitment issues sounds like solid advice to you, then yes, chat really is your best friend. 

It wasn't always like this. There was a time when every brilliantly stupid decision started with one too many drinks and a "you up?" sent to the person you were dying to have be up. And honestly, there was something refreshing and human about the morning after: hungover, anxious, staring at your screen, having torched the mysterious, effortless, I-don't-care energy you'd spent weeks perfecting. Your power was gone. You spent your Sunday living with the consequences. Character building. You felt awful about yourself, but you learnt to live with it and move on. 

What's changed in the last decade is that now there's a silly bot you can message and ask for advice on what your ideal next steps should be to save face. For almost every situation, it goes a little like "don't be embarrassed and deal with it head on." "Drop a follow-up text. Let them know you were drunk." Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. 

Every time I went to Claude, I very conveniently left out the parts where I was in the wrong, or simply the person who deserved to get ghosted. I couldn't tell if it was years of karma catching up with me or genuinely bad advice from Claude. Either way, the doors were closing in. After digging deep in the trenches, I'd finally found a guy I really liked and, just as these things go, he didn't like me back at all. Enter: chat. Listing possibly the worst moves to pull after this, like writing a long message to clear my conscience, to get closure, get a rebound, be alone. All wrong things at worst timings. Everything building up to reasons why you should stop taking advice from AI.

1. It only knows the story you tell it. 

Claude gets the version where you're the wronged party, and it responds accordingly, with a thoughtful, balanced take on a situation that never actually happened. Your friends were at the party. They know what you did. Claude was not, and will believe anything you say with alarming sincerity. 

2. It has never been ghosted. 

It has never felt the specific dread of three dots appearing, disappearing, and never coming back. It has never had a Sunday filled with anxiety. It has no idea what it costs to send "haha no worries!!" while dying inside. 

3. It is relentlessly reasonable. 

"Have you considered an open, honest conversation?" No, Claude, I haven't. Sometimes the correct move is to leave someone on read for nine hours and post a story from a very nice bar having fun with your friends. Claude will not tell you this. Claude will tell you to name your feelings. 

4. It can't read the room, because there is no room. 

It can't see his face when you said the thing. It can't clock that his "lol, sure" was said flat. It can't tell that the best friend's smile was doing a lot of work. All the real dating intelligence lives in tone, timing, and vibes, and Claude gets a paragraph of text and a confident "it sounds like he's just busy!" Bold. 

5. It will talk you out of your best stories

Every legendary decision I've made started with a friend saying "you absolutely should not" and me doing it anyway. Claude, meanwhile, will helpfully outline the risks, suggest boundaries, and recommend you sit with your feelings. Great for your peace. Not good for the plot. Nobody ever told a great story that began with "so I took a measured, well-communicated approach." 

So, this is not to say that this is the absolute worst thing that has happened to the modern new-age dating scene. Claude is excellent for drafting the text, decoding the text, and telling you the text is fine. Just remember who's holding the phone, and that the person who actually has to live with the consequences is you, on a Sunday, hungover, character building.