How to Survive Diwali Parties Without Losing Your Mind

Ah, Diwali. The festival of lights, sweets, and pretending to be thrilled about talking to people you only see when someone’s getting married, giving birth, or passing away.

It is that time of the year where the annual tradition of forced socialisation finds itself in the spotlight, where your outfit is itchy, your cheeks are sore from fake smiling, and you’re this close to committing a minor felony just to escape the “Beta, what do you do now?” interrogation.

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But fear not, dear introvert (or reluctant extrovert or otrovert)! Here's your simple, almost-foolproof guide to surviving small talk during Diwali parties and family get-togethers without spontaneously combusting from cringe. Unless, you have a solid bonds with your cousins and you plan a group escape, you might need this guide on how to survive Diwali parties handy.

Just a couple of steps to be aware of and you might unlock a new survival skill.

Master the “Wow, you’ve grown!” Line

This is your Swiss army knife of small talk. Use it generously on children you barely recognise but are apparently related to. Also, kids are always easier to talk to than adults for reasons we don't necessarily remind you right now. You get it.

Here are some lines you can say to the kids that will make them awkwardly giggle and run away and ease your time at this get-together:

• “Last time I saw you, you were this tiny!”
  

• “What class are you in now? Third grade? WHAT?!”
  

• “Arey wah, soon you’ll be taller than your dad!”
  

Preload Your Brain with These Reusable Topics

Think of them as conversation flashcards. Memorise them if you have to and deploy them like a Diwali rocket including talks about how bad the weather is right now which is a gold standard for small talks. Other topics that don't translate into deeper conversations are:

• “So, what are your Diwali plans?” (Even though you're at the same party, and neither of you have plans beyond eating too many kaju katlis.)
  

• “Traffic was crazy, right?” (Safe. Boring. Gold.)
  

• What did you buy this Diwali
  

• “These sweets are too sweet this time.” (Controversial. May trigger aunties. Use with caution.)
  

• “Did you hear Sharma ji’s son got a job in Canada?” (The unofficial national news channel of Indian families.)
  

Avoid Dangerous Zones

While you do need a preloaded list of reusable topics, there are some conversational minefields you do not want to walk into, unless you really enjoy suffering and want to be called a party pooper for bringing them up in a room full of people.

• Politics: You may enter with a smile and leave with a broken samosa and a ruined relationship with Uncle No.4.
  

• Marriage: Because if you say you're not planning to marry anytime soon, prepare for a 20-minute TED Talk on your “ticking biological clock.”
  

• Careers: Especially yours. Unless you’re a doctor, engineer, or already moved to the US in which case, congratulations, you’re family royalty.
  

Memorise These All-Purpose Responses

Perfect for when you zone out halfway through Auntie’s 12-minute monologue about her knee pain or that uncle who keeps complaining about his health to every person he bumps into as if he is perfecting the same old story to make it sound legit.

• “Yeah, yeah for sure!” (Smile. Nod. Repeat.)
  

• “Arey wah, that’s amazing!” (No idea what they said. Doesn’t matter.)
  

• “oh really, what happened then?” (This makes them continue talking while you sip your nimbu soda and plan your exit.)
  

When in Doubt, Compliment and Run

Compliments are the ultimate escape tool. Try:

• “Love your saree! So elegant!” (Run before they offer to show you 78 more photos of their cousin’s wedding.)
  

• “Your house looks so beautifully decorated!” (Leave the scene before you’re recruited to help with cleanup.)
  

• “This food is amazing, who made it?” (Everyone will fight for credit. You slip away unnoticed.)
  

Of course, no Indian family gatherings are complete without addressing the uninvited elephant in the room “When Are YOU Getting Married?” Questions. We have some tips to avoid that conversation like a smooth operator, too!

Respond with one of the following:

1. “We’re actually focusing on our careers right now.” (Classic. Boring. Works.)
   

2. “The stars aren’t aligning, astrologer said 2028.” (Mystical deflection.)
   

3. You can act deaf or if they really catch your attention, you can stuff a few kaju katlis and or have a big sip of your drink that you deliberately drink slowly and then exit.
   

Exit Strategy

After 2-3 hours of intense socialising, you’re allowed to pull a ghost move. Some excuses for exiting gracefully unless you have the guts to say, its enough of socialising for a day and call it a goodnight:

• “I need to check on the dog.” (Even if you don’t have one.)
  

• “I think I left the stove on.” (Classic, dramatic, and effective.)
  

• “Bathroom break!” (Just don’t return for 45 minutes. They’ll get the hint.)
  

• My Boss is calling me!
  

• I think I left my house keys in the car. Let me go and quickly check.
  

While Diwali parties are a good way to reconnect with a lot of people you don't get to see everyday and can bare once a year, it is absolutely okay to not wanting to match the same